The problem with praying for patience

sand through fingers

The problem with praying for patience is God gives you opportunities to be patient. Our patience is tested as we sit in waiting for the break, for the miracle. But the more we wait the more our patience is required. The more we wait the harder it is to be patient. We lose sight of our goals. We lose faith and hope. We question our choices. All over the simple concept of PATIENCE. Well, patience is overrated.

I’ve come to a point in this battle of patience, that I am tired of waiting. I’m tired of being patient. I’m tired of breakthrough being returned with setback after setback. I’m tired of hearing, “its better than nothing” and “you’ll get there.. be patient”. I’m tired of being broken. I imagine myself bearing the world over my shoulders as my knees bend little by little, my body collapsing under the weight. Every good day has ten bad days. Every step forward throws me three steps back. I can’t help but wonder WILL I EVER GET BETTER??? I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but there comes a point that we simply say, “that’s enough God. I’m full.”  I refuse to lose hope and give up but how long must one fight before the battle is over?

I’m not writing this asking for sympathy or encouragement. I’m writing to be real, open, and honest because maybe someone needs to know they’re not alone. Too often we hide behind these masks that make our lives seem perfect because the world tells us we can’t have bad days. But so many of us are so incredibly broken, losing hope in our dreams, life slipping through our fingers, fighting what seems to be an endless battle and we wonder when this storm will end. Sometimes it doesnt take lifting each other up but simply standing together through the storm. Sometimes we just need someone who knows our pain. And maybe then it’ll give us a little hope to keep going.

“This is true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our minds, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.” – Omar N. Bradley

I suppose when the weight of life is too heavy to bear on your shoulders, your only option is to change the way you carry it.


My 10,000th reason

A year ago, I embarked on a thankful journey. I was going through a slightly rough time with half a broken heart. As I struggled to find the little blessings in life, my sister suggested I start this journey. 365 days. 27 (sometimes 28) thankfuls a day. One year later, I’ve realized how incredibly blessed I am. Funny thing is when I look at my life now, I laugh at the hurt that got me started on this journey. What I went through a year ago, the thing that seemed so rough at the time, seems so insignificant now but this journey could not have come at a more opportune time.

I’ve had several days over the last year that I struggled to write my thankfuls. But one thing I’ve learned is that every day is a gift. Every day is full of blessings, some big, some small, some we have to search for and some are right in front of us, but not a day goes by that God doesn’t bless us. We could be in the midst of a raging storm, and yet He still stands with us. I’m amazed by His grace and His continuous blessings in my life, even when I least deserve it.

Today my heart is full. My life is good. Today, I am thankful.

9,973. Its only right that my last day of the 10,000 thankfuls journey was spent with my girlies. I am so blessed to have these kids in my life. Almost 6 years that they’ve been in my life and a huge blessing they continue to be in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how full my life is because of these kids. These kids and their family have become my family. I couldn’t be more thankful for the Carter family!

9974. The rain. From me winning playing war and slap jack with the girls to s’more making, bubbles, and countless art projects, the rainy day turned out to be pretty amazing.10441303_770842299633615_6845470326090233075_n

9975. My family. They are one group of insanely crazy people but I love them so much. I’m sort of like the black sheep in my family. They put up with my crazy antics and love me anyway. I couldnt ask for a greater support system. Family is one of the most important things to me and my family daily shows me why. They are a few of the most amazing people I know.

9976. The barbell. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, this is my happy place. From squats to cleans, I couldnt feel more accomplished or strong than I do when I have a barbell in my hands.1507710_664286020289244_951367355_n

9977. my monkeymoos. These boys are my world (well, a big part of it). They are my sunshine on a cloudy day. These boys are my happiness. Being the Vicino nanny is one of the greatest blessings I could ever ask for. Jojo and Leo quickly stole my heart when I started taking care of them. So many days, I sit back and soak in their love and can’t help but think that life just can’t get much better. This is my life.IMG_7449IMG_6714

9978. my old girl, Sydney, is still trekking along. Every year is her last Christmas… until the next Christmas. IMG_5351

9979. snuggles with “my” kids… all of them.

9980. my mom is my best friend. The apple definitely doesn’t fall far from the treeIMG_1853

9981. Dad made an amazing dinner tonight for all of us… and the girls ate their vegetables! So blessed that my dad is an awesome cook!

9982. surviving my fourth surgery. Its been a long battle.. this one easily being the hardest one but I’m making it, one day at a time

9983. my friends. So many of my friends have shown me so much love and support, especially over the last few months.

9984. courage… only takes 20 seconds of courage to change your life

9985. my parents let me live with them. I make enough to live on my own but that would involve lots of school loans. My parents are awesome enough to let their grown daughter live with them so she can pay for school. I didn’t realize exactly how thankful I was for this until I dropped all of my school savings and then some on shoulder surgery a few months ago. I’d be starving on the streets if it wasn’t for my parents.

9986. I started dating again (or sort of for the first time) this year. I’ve never really “dated” (had a couple relationships but jumped right into both them) but dating hasn’t really been a thing in my life. Sometimes dating can really suck.. you know that moment… but if I’m honest, it has felt awesome to get out there.

9987. honesty. Being lied to is something that really makes my blood boil, especially when it makes me look to be a fool. I’ve learned this year how incredibly thankful I am for honesty.

9988. forgiveness. both on my part, others, and God’s.

9989. I’ll never get tired of hearing “watch me Ms. Deanna” and I’ll never get tired of watching

9990. I have the greatest job I could ever ask for.

9991. God blessed me with an amazing gift with hair. I once was a really talented hairdresser. Maybe someday when my shoulders suck a little less, I can have some more fun with my scissors again.

9992. kids. but mostly “my” kids. I have so many. Some are teenagers now and some are still in diapers but all my kids make my life amazing. Being a nanny is possibly one of the greatest things thats ever happened to me… and I’ll admit it, I’m damn good at what I do #humblebrag

9993. Strength

9994. God’s plan for my life. Its slowly but surely unfolding and I couldn’t be more excited for it.

9995. My passion for fitness. Nothing else I’d rather do than pick up something heavy and put it back down… and then maybe run with it too! Can’t wait to do this again

9996. Ficus. Enough said.

9997. CrossFit… I know its not part of my life right now but give me a few more months. This place has brought so much healing to my life.

9998. Hope… because God is bigger than any circumstance or situation

9999. I’m no cat lady but I love my Tuna….. mornings aren’t the same when she “sleeps in” and doesnt kneed my face at 5am.IMG_6364

10000. the last year has been crazy.. school, my motorcycle, tears, joy, endless days with kids, surgery, setbacks, hitting new PRs, getting abs, losing abs, red hair, dating, not dating… in all the craziness that is my life, I found myself.

day 364

1. its friday!

2. the boys slept til 8 so i had a very quiet morning

3. my friend took some extra cupcakes off my hands

4. after waving goodbye to my friend (who is a cop), anytime Jojo saw a police car, he’d make siren sounds and say “buh bye”. it was so stink in cute!

5. today was a good day

6. pool time with Leo

7. gorgeous (but hot) San Diego day

8. the boys had a blast at the park in the morning. we ran around like crazy! it was so fun!

9. cars

10. Jojo and Leo played really well together today

11. i have the best job

12. no time outs today!!!!

13. Ryan got a new job! its so awesome! so thankful for this for my sister’s family

14. the boys had a big nap in the afternoon. I’m so glad they finally got a nap in

15. Leo peed in the potty!!!!!!

16. they woke up happy. i love happy toddlers

17. ITS FANCY NANCY SLEEPOVER WEEKEND!!! I love coming home to my girls!

18. Emilie painted my nails

19. Ava told me that she knows Thor’s hammer in my bathroom isn’t real because superheroes are “instinct” like the dinosaurs

20. mom had a wonderful day with the girls

21. Emilie “made all my dreams come true” and did my hair 

22. nightime swimming

23. Lobsters vs sharks

24. we had a chicken fight at the pool. Emi says we won because my mom tossed Ava

25. Emilie “pushed’ me in the pool after I threw her in… she’s so sneaky hahaha

26. snuggle time with my little loves

27. God has blessed me so much that these kids are still in my life

28. the constant “ms deanna ms deanna ms deanna… look!” i love it. I’ve missed these girls so much and its so wonderful to get some time with them and live in their little worlds just for a few days.

day 362 and 363

wednesday and thursday thankfuls…

1. Jojo’s outfit choice for the morningIMG_80242. the boys played well together all day long!

3. Leo was a happy boy for the majority of the day

4. the boys got to sit in a firetruck today!!! it was so awesome! we saw a firetruck on our morning walk and one of the *attractive* firefighters let them sit in it!

5. firefighters

6. the boys helped me get lunch ready

7. Leo is learning his nice words

8. Leo’s high tops

9. Jojo wanted to wear his trunks to water the plants today. it was absolutely adorable

10. Leo’s giggles while playing in the pool

11. the pool for these hot summer days

12. the boys had a really good afternoon nap

13. afternoon snuggles 

14. productivity

15. time to get back into Starting Strength.. such an informative book

16. my friend was understanding to me needing to cancel plans for the evening

17. i left work a little late so traffic was a little less terrible than normal

18. traffic gives me time to talk to Jesus about life

19. He’s got me

20. what God wants is whats best. It may not always be what we want but sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and God has a way of making it all work out.

21. a quiet evening


23. Cake doctor cook book

24. healthy eating! It feels good to stay on track

25. situps

26. God comforts me in my insomnia

27. extra coffee

28. the boys slept in a little so I was able to enjoy my coffee

29. Kristen and Greg had sour cream for the cupcakes

30. successful baking morning

31. baking makes me happy

32. vacuums

33. good health

34. the trash man gave the boys “trashbuster” stickers

35. adventure time with the boys.. seriously love our adventures

36. the boys got to sit in a cop car today!!

37. first responders

38. the boys were good at the grocery store

39. Joseph is my little helper

40. morning nap time… the little dudes needed it so bad!

41. reading… it brings knowledge

42. playtime in the pool

43. Leo’s endless giggles playing with his kickboard

44. Jojo watered the entire backyard

45. water wars

46. despite having a long morning nap, the boys napped in the afternoon too

47. I was able to take a quick nap during the boys’ second nap

48. I made a Mexican feast for dinner with CeLisa.. LOVE love love cooking!

49. God has given me some awesome gifts

50. so nice to have time with CeLisa. I’ve missed our girl talk

51. the cupcakes were delicious!

52. real talk with CeLisa

53. my heart is full

54. truth and honesty

55. strength


day 361

1. morning adventures with the boys

2. super hero shoes!!!

3. they were only $7!

4. Leo was a happy dude in the morning

5. Jojo loves hats

6. solid morning nap for the boys

7. the boys learned how to clear the plates!

8. Jojo set the table for lunch… sort of

9. knowledge

10. single baby snuggles.. i love both my monkeys but single baby time can be nice sometimes

11. pool day!

12. Jojo watered all the plants 

13. Jojo was a good little dude all day

14. i got myself a bike mechanic!

15. and a way to get it to and from the mechanic!

16. generous friends

17. patience… I’m working on it

18. chalk

19. rocks

20. traffic wasnt as bad as usual since i left work a little late

21. mom made steak for dinner. i always appreciate when she cooks

22. homegrown squash

23. Murphy was hilarious with his frisbee tonight… he just can’t stop

24. mom joined me at the pool

25. swimming

26. goggles

27. clean clothes…finally had made time for laundry

28. my glasses

day 359 and 360

Sunday and Monday thankfuls….

1. started my day with a good 3 mile run!

2. post-op PR!! 22:15! actually that’s a 3 year PR… havent ran that fast in over 3 years. 

3. cold bananas

4. sore hammies

5. running actually felt good!

6. progenix

7. motivation

8. my running playlist… really makes a difference

9. running in the rain

10. Sydney snuggles (caused by the thunderstorm)


12. And Annie took second for females!!!

13. The CrossFit Games… hold crap motivation!!

14. I got to watch the last hour of them 

15. Dan Bailey made it in top ten!

16. ponytails

17. sports bras

18. dressing casual for church

19. good parking

20. church was great! the guest speaker spoke on being missional. i love his perspective

21. Joel sang during worship. he has such an amazing voice. i loved it!

22. Danielle and I did communion together

23. early Sunday night

24. ice cream out of the container… tastes better that way

25. Mexican food

26. jalapeños

27. the thunder stopped

28. converse

29. taking a rest day

30. it was an Ella bo bella day!

31. she was a happy girl

32. Ella was excited to see me… this is awesome

33. dancing with Ella… she’s learning

34. baby feverIMG_7999

35. sleeping babies

36. Ella’s smile

37. God gave me a gift with babies and kids

38. Josie got a headband for me for my birthday day. its super cute!

39. clean dishes!

40. being back in PT

41. Ryan found some new problem areas and gave me ways to solve them

42. the foam roller

43. the doctor said that my pain isn’t something to be concerned about. this was a huge relief

44. hope for recovery

45. Dinner with the Dillons!

46. they made Mexican food

47. being blessed with more work

48. Paxton and I instantly became buddies

49. baby fever continued and got more intense when I held Cogan…. o…m…g cutest baby award!!

50. baby giggles

51. Cogan chewed on my finger… I’ve missed these things with babies

52. Heidi and Tom are awesome parents!!

53. I love what I do and I can truly say that with complete honesty. I have the best job

54. feeling smart

55. dark chocolate

56. Its CeLisa’s birthday!! She is such an amazing person and friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life!

day 358

crazy to think i have one week left!

1. sleeping in on the weekend

2. Rich Froning finally climbed to first!!

3. Annie hit third!! Hoping she can hold it

4. the pool

5. i got a killer swim workout in… felt good to push myself

6. i was able to freestyle.. sort of modified but i made it work

7. shoulder improvement

8. hope

9. strength

10. got to watch part of the games

11. clean sheets

12. mom made my bed for me

13. clean eating!!

14. motivation

15. dreams

16. cousin night

17. Desiree and Ryan picked me up

18. we had lots of beer to take

19. Amy and Duane made carne asada tacos. they were so good!

20. cards against humanity

21. family

22. being real with family

23. safety

24. got to spend some time with the littles before they went to bed

25. my hoodie

26. God’s grace

27. I can trust Him

day 357

1. i got to sleep in

2. trust that God is my healer

3. breakfast with Ella

4. time to do laundry

5. having the day off

6. a relaxing morning

7. followed by a super lazy day

8. started my day with a hot bath

9. peanut butter

10. movie day with mom

11. redbox

12. Froning finally climbed his way up the leaderboard today! 4th place with only about 30 points separating him and Khalipa. C’mon Rich!!

13. so did Annie! She is in 7th… possibly in range of the podium. Thats all I want for her

14. i got into the kinesiology class I needed! Its only 8 weeks and at the end of the semester. stoked for online classes!

15. i also got into a physic class i wanted. I got one of the last spots too!!

16. waitlist for pre-cal.. but may not take it

17. i found out i have one less pre-req than I thought I needed

18. with less classes, I can apply to CSUSM for next fall!!!!

19. finances for classes

20. my GPA is higher than i though

21. life is coming together

22. God’s grace

23. God’s provision

24. God’s plan for my life… so much better than my plan

25. this

26. i know who i am

27. strength

day 356

Thursday thankfuls!

1. a day off!! it was much needed

2. got to sleep in today until 7:30 which was also needed.

3. I woke up at 6:05 and threw myself out of bed thinking I was late for work only to remember I had the day off. I’m thankful I was able to fall asleep again for a bit

4. my BFF, Ella bo bella, was over for breakfast!!

5. ^no tears… she totally knows we are BFFs… finally

6. Ella’s giggles while watching Murphy play

7. dancing to Disney songs with Ella

8. watching my mom play with Ella

9. Murphy finally pulled it together on our walk to take Ella home… he’s got some re-learning to do

10. a day without social media… feels nice

11. Christi and her girls joined Desiree, the girls, mom, and myself at the pool

12. I dominated the water gun fight… dominate is somewhat of an understatement

13. teaching kids to be tough….. 🙂 they’ll learn eventually hahahah

14. my shoulders survived the majority of the fun and games… til it hurt later… I’ll survive though

15. being tough. I’ve never been one to “surrender” and never will be… even with kids

16. watching Christi’s daughter Sara play in the water. You can learn to appreciate a lot of things just by watching a kid experience pure joy from the simplest thing

17. trail mix

18. Ellen.. its rare that I get to watch

19. a lazy afternoon watching SYTYCD

20. hanging out with Mom, Murph, and Sydney in the front yard

21. Sydney explored. Its a whole new world whenever she goes outside.

22. bonding time with Syd. We laid on the tile together as I rubbed her belly for quite awhile. It was so nice to just lay with my old girl.

23. guilt free ice cream…. oh it was so good… and it doesnt count if you say “oops” 😉

24. Mexican food (healthy for me) for dinner

25. got a workout in today! 18 min AMRAP of armless swimming and sit ups

26. nighttime swimming… possibly my new favorite thing!

27. ice packs

28. mom massaged my arm for me

day 354 and 355

Two days of thankfuls….

1. short week of work

2. the boys excitement on our truck hunts

3. They went down for their nap really easy

4. Kristen finally woke up feeling better

5. the boys walked to the bank with me

6. naked baby (diapers) water play

7. Leo’s face when I squirt him with the hose.. he loves it!

8. sharing an apple with the boys

9. Kristen got home early

10. hair by Ally!! so thankful I finally got it colored

11. Ally used a new color on me which came out really nice

12. the salon was super close to work

13. good parking.. and it was free

14. Ally flat ironed the fro for me

15. and I got a super good deal

16. finally sold the blowdryer woo!

17. getting my hair shampooed by someone else… always a great feeling

18. hair industry dishing haha 

19. beauty school dishing

20. realizing I’m thankful I don’t work in the hair industry anymore

21. got to hangout with Ally after she finished my hair

22. taco tuesday!! it was my first time

23. good service

24. Ally gets me

25. we feel like 16 year olds together hahahah

26. real conversation with Ally

27. those friends that you can go months without seeing and its as though you see each other every day

28. life is going really well for Ally. It makes me so happy for her. She is so blessed!

29. Wednesday was my friday!

30. the boys loved Target!

31. Olaf was a hit. can’t wait til their birthday!

32. stacking cups with the boys

33. I finally found a way to get Leo to eat eggs! egg sandwiches!! its miraculous!

34. cereal

35. Jojo was as happy as can be

36. afternoon run to the park on Nile with the boys

37. playing ball with the boys

38. being able to shower at work

39. my iPod

40. this

41. the epiphany that you can make the greatest difference in a person’s life just by seeing them

42. 4:30pm….

43. I felt pretty in my dress 

44. make up samples that I have saved… save the day when I run out of foundation

45. getting off work on time

46. going rogue

47. walking to bars.. its more fun this way

48. new experiences

49. tried saki for the first time. it was different

50. good times with good people

51. happy hour

52. pho!!!!

53. trying new beer

54. scary movies

55. safe drive home late at night 

56. my hot bubble bath was just what I needed after such a long day